Season's Greetings and Happy New Year to all of our loyal readers and clients around the world. See you in 2013.
In
the spirit of the holiday season, and back by popular demand, below a letter to
Santa regarding a number of alleged violations of import, export and
other laws and regulations.
—Doug Jacobson
Letter to Mr. Claus from Scrooge
McGrinch
By Dennis Salvey, Trade Compliance Manager of iDirect Inc. (reprinted with permission)
Dear
Mr. Claus,
We
regret to inform you that your annual distribution of toys and gifts will not
be permitted to proceed this year due to multiple Trade Compliance
violations. Each of the below listed “alleged” violations are under review
and until each is resolved, your gift-giving enterprise is suspended from its
normal course of surreptitiously sliding up and down chimneys.
1. The Office of Export Enforcement (OEE) has opened an investigation
regarding the potentially illegal exports of toys and gifts from the U.S.
without the proper export licenses, customs declarations or documentation. The
Export Administration Regulations (EAR) clearly defines an export as being the
movement of goods, services, toys, gifts or technology from the U.S. to
any other country by any means including reindeer powered sleighs. There
is no exception for Magic, as your voluntary disclosure alludes to.
2. OEE is
also considering placing 2 of your cohorts on the Denied Parties List. Donder
and Blitzen are suspected of diverting toys and gifts into embargoed countries
for the nefarious purpose of bringing joy to the world. Vixen may also be named
as an accomplice. Dancer, Prancer and Comet’s alibi of being contestants on
Dancing with the Stars during the time of the alleged incident is holding up
for now. Incidentally, Interpol has some questions for you concerning two of your
known alias’ Father Christmas and Kris Kringle.”
3. Incorrect
application of Incoterm© DDP (Delivery Duty Paid) has resulted in millions of
gifts held by Customs agencies around the world as you are not a registered
importer in any country in which you do business. Although all of your customers (recipients)
wanted to receive those gifts, not one of them was willing to act as the
Importer of Record. The exception was little Billy Johnson of Des Moines Iowa
who attempted bribing a customs official with a box of candy canes and now
faces 5 years hard labor in Santa’s workshop on an FCPA charge. The total fines
for storage by the respective Customs agencies are in the gazillions of dollars
and must be paid before the gifts can be returned to the North Pole at your
expense. Be advised that when paying fines in the currency of board games,
only Monopoly and the Christmas Game currencies are acceptable.
4. The
Airwaybills used on your last 400 delivery episodes issued by “Fairy Land
Airlines” is very questionable. It turns out that the dimensional weight versus
the actual weight is impossible to calculate. In addition, the North Pole is
not recognized as a valid Country of Origin.
5. Speaking
of Country of Origin, you claim that all of the material used in the making of
every gift as well as all of the labor is a direct product of the North Pole.
The World Customs Organization cannot verify that the materials needed to make
all of these gifts could conceivably come from the North Pole. The criteria of “Grown,
Produced or Manufactured in a specific country” used to determine origin is an
absolute, international law does not recognize “Magic” as part of these
criteria. They are also looking into unfair labor practices brought before the
world court, by a group known as the International Little Brotherhood of Elves.”
6. The entered value you have reported on these toys and gifts is too low to
have been manufactured in the North Pole. Your financial records will be
subpoenaed unless you can otherwise validate the low value claim before your
next distribution season. If North Pole currency, “The Saint Nickel”, was used
in your valuation methodology, be prepared to show its value against the U.S.
dollar, the Euro and the Yen at the time the determination was made as North
Pole currency (the Saint Nickel) is not listed by any of the world’s financial
markets.
7. We
are astonished at the number of paternity suits filing in from all over the
world. These suits all start the same way; “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause
underneath the mistletoe last night.” World courts will act with discretion in
determining the validity of these claims; BUT we cannot guarantee that Mrs.
Clause will not become aware of them at some point.
8. The
EPA and equivalent agencies around the world are investigating complaints of
excessive reindeer emissions (droppings). The fact that some farmers welcome
this will not be considered a mitigating factor when and if the case goes to
court.
9. Your
“naughty / nice” list has raised more than a few eyebrows. Servicing those on
the nice list while refusing to do business with those on the naughty list is a
direct violation of the U.S. Antiboycott rules as well as violating the
discrimination laws in countries in which you do business. The leagues of “Nice
Polar Bears” in the North Pole don’t seem to mind too much but the league of
“Naughty Penguins” in the South Pole is especially outraged.
10. Investigations
into privacy laws have also been opened concerning the allegation that; “you
see them when their sleeping and know when their awake”. However, all of these
investigations will be dropped if you surrender the Intellectual Property
rights to these methods to the CIA, FBI, Mussed, M5, and the KGB.
11. Finally;
the red blinking light on Rudolf’s nose interferes with air traffic control and
UFO sightings. The FCC, the FAA and the History Channel are investigating. You
and Rudolf will be summoned to Roswell for a hearing on this issue. My advice;
do not arrive at these hearings in the company sled.
Until each of the above
issues is resolved you are hereby ordered to cease and desist your annual toys and gifts distribution or holiday cheer-spreading, as you refer to it.
As
an aside (not a Trade Compliance issue) the World Health Organization will be
rescinding your status as a role model due to your weight and poor diet of milk
and cookies at every house. This is not the type of example they expect from a
person that children look up to.
Respectfully,
Scrooge McGrinch
Bah Humbug Division, office of BIS (Big Important Stuff)
Enclosure: My Christmas list
p.s. Should the Mayan end of the world date of December
21, 2012 be accurate, please ignore all of the above.
